15 things I learned from The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown

I woke up this morning to bright, spring sunlight streaming through the living room windows.   The shrilling, repetitive call of a cardinal sang outside.  A pair of them seem to be making a next outside of our window near the front bird feeder.  Sleep eluded me last night.  When my 2 year old son woke up, crawled into bed, and snuggled in his usual spot between Chase and I; I waited until he fell asleep before wandering down the hall.  My thoughts centered on a quote in The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”- Theodore Roosevelt 

What is my arena?  What is my purpose?  I long to dare greatly, but I find myself unable to decide on an arena to dive into.  What a conundrum:  to be a goal-getter devoid of career oriented goals.  But maybe that's ok.   Although I grapple with the truth of my self-value, the truth remains:  my role as a mother and a wife are important.  What could be more important than raising children who love God?  Children who will dare greatly? Children who love others?
 Brene Brown refers to midlife and any other periods of great change (such as marriage, becoming a parent, retiring, moving, recovery, working in a soul-sucking job) as “great unraveling journeys.”
“The unraveling is a time when you are challenged by the universe to let go of who you think you are supposed to be and to embrace who you are.” 


I am on one of these journeys now.

Here are things I learned from The Gifts of Imperfection

• I am enough.  My value is not found in what I do or what I left undone.
• We all have “shame gremlins” that whisper or shout “not enough.”  There is power in naming and recognizing them.  I have shame gremlins that tell me I’m not enough as a mom… my house isn’t cleaning enough…I’m not thin enough…not smart enough…not a good veterinarian..  Sometimes they whisper in terms of comparisons…I wish I could write like her, look like her, or be as smart as her…
• When you recognize a shame attack, reach out to a confidant, a loyal, empathetic friend.  I am blessed to have 3 such friends who love me and my battles with insecurity.
• Boundaries are not mean.  They are necessary and part of being compassionate.  Is it better to constantly yell at my children and give in to frustration?  Or is it better to mean what I say and enforce boundaries the first time? Is it better to berate and belittle employees in an effort to get them to perform better? Or to set clear expectations and consequences then stick with them?  “How would our lives be different if there were less anger and more accountability? What would our work and home lives look like if we blamed less but had more respect for boundaries?” 
•  Fitting in is counterproductive in seeking true belonging and connection.  I don’t have  to keep up with the Jones's.  My 30 year old, dilapidated couch is just fine… or maybe it does need to be replaced because I hate it… not because I need to keep up appearances!
•    We cannot avoid shame, but we can develop resilience to it: “the ability to recognize shame, to move through it constructively while maintaining worthiness and authenticity and to ultimately develop more courage, compassion, and connection.”
• Secrecy, silence, and judgment are fertilizers for shame.
•  I long for the authentic life.  That is, I want to let go of who I think I should be, and simply embrace who I am…Of who God created me to be.  Keep it real, y’all! 
• We need to believe in something bigger than ourselves (Brené defines this as spirituality).  I find this need in my faith in God. 
•   Numbing is a behavior we engage in to not think, be it drinking, gaming, binge tv, or surfing Facebook.  Numbing blocks us from growing and facing vulnerability.    Wholehearted are “mindful about numbing behaviors” and try “to lean into the discomfort of hard emotions”
• Fear of loss or scarcity can inhibit feelings of profound joy. “The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it.  It’s our fear of the dark that cast our joy into the shadows.”  It is enough to be home and present with my children. I will strive to spend less time worrying and more time playing with them!
• Comparison is the thief of joy.
• When someone asks me “What do you do?” I don’t have to be just one thing.  I am a mother, a wife, a Christian, a watercolorist, a veterinarian, an instructor, and so much more!  I’m not bound by 1 title.  And that’s OK. I refuse to be defined by a single career.
•    Play and rest have value! It’s healthy to sit down, drink my coffee, and watch the birds with no goals other to enjoy the moment.  Perhaps that’s even better for me than a perfectly clean house.  This fits in with the concept of Sabbath.  We were created to have rest. 
•  Wholeheartedness is a journey, and it’s ok to not know the destination.  I will trust in the journey. 

I highly recommend reading The Gifts of Imperfection for yourself.  Join me on this journey to wholeheartedness. 

Peace and love, y’all!